Waking up, is exhausting. Getting no sleep because the thoughts of your past mistakes play over and over again in your head. At first it’s not so bad, you ignore it. You go on with your day telling yourself to forget it. Another thought comes into your mind, they are endless. Doing everyday tasks do not come easy. It constantly feels like you are forcing yourself to do them in order just to get through another day. At first, you denied all. No one wants to admit that they have a mental illness or even think about the idea. So instead, over and over again, we tell ourselves it’s a bad day, it’s a bad day, it’s a bad day.
But how many bad days is it going to take for you to realise that nothing went wrong, nothing bad even happened, even remotely close, but slowly you come to the realisation that you were just genuinely not happy.
Running into people, and them asking you, how you’re doing is horrifying because they have mostly likely asked you this before. And yes, maybe once or twice or even three times, they are willing to listen to the truth about what are actually going through and feeling. But after that, then what? “I like hanging out with her, but all she ever does is bring the mood down”, “I love her, but she’s such a mood kill”, “She’s so different now, different indeed”. So, we pretend. “Everything is fine, great actually, thanks for asking.”
You just know you’ll end up lying again and again, telling people these things. When in reality, you aren’t fine or great or honestly even okay, the minute you turn from that conversation, you can feel your body drop. Tears start forming in your eyes, because you are putting on a social mask for others, because it’s easier than constantly feeling like a burden to them. It doesn’t matter anyway, because you will never be able to put into words exactly how you feel. You feel like in little ways, you show people that you are not doing well, and you are crying out for help. But no one notices that you have been a little bit off until you hit rock bottom. It’s almost like, you’re watching yourself go crazy, and have no control over the emotions.
Slowly but surely, it feels like you’re drowning, and people are watching it happen. You feel alone, confused and empty. It’s like the world around you, continues, and your’s just somehow stops. You have to watch everyone else smile, and be happy and have fun, while you just sit there, numb and confused. And the worst part is, going to sleep at night, doesn’t help. Because you know that you’ll just wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
Ananya Sarma ©