How Depression feels like

Waking up, is exhausting. Getting no sleep because the thoughts of your past mistakes play over and over again in your head. At first it’s not so bad, you ignore it. You go on with your day telling yourself to forget it. Another thought comes into your mind, they are endless. Doing everyday tasks do not come easy. It constantly feels like you are forcing yourself to do them in order just to get through another day. At first, you denied all. No one wants to admit that they have a mental illness or even think about the idea. So instead, over and over again, we tell ourselves it’s a bad day, it’s a bad day, it’s a bad day.

But how many bad days is it going to take for you to realise that nothing went wrong, nothing bad even happened, even remotely close, but slowly you come to the realisation that you were just genuinely not happy.

Running into people, and them asking you, how you’re doing is horrifying because they have mostly likely asked you this before. And yes, maybe once or twice or even three times, they are willing to listen to the truth about what are actually going through and feeling. But after that, then what? “I like hanging out with her, but all she ever does is bring the mood down”, “I love her, but she’s such a mood kill”, “She’s so different now, different indeed”. So, we pretend. “Everything is fine, great actually, thanks for asking.”

You just know you’ll end up lying again and again, telling people these things. When in reality, you aren’t fine or great or honestly even okay, the minute you turn from that conversation, you can feel your body drop. Tears start forming in your eyes, because you are putting on a social mask for others, because it’s easier than constantly feeling like a burden to them. It doesn’t matter anyway, because you will never be able to put into words exactly how you feel. You feel like in little ways, you show people that you are not doing well, and you are crying out for help. But no one notices that you have been a little bit off until you hit rock bottom. It’s almost like, you’re watching yourself go crazy, and have no control over the emotions.

Slowly but surely, it feels like you’re drowning, and people are watching it happen. You feel alone, confused and empty. It’s like the world around you, continues, and your’s just somehow stops. You have to watch everyone else smile, and be happy and have fun, while you just sit there, numb and confused. And the worst part is, going to sleep at night, doesn’t help. Because you know that you’ll just wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

Ananya Sarma ©

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Dear Boyfriend, I’m not that perfect as you think I am — An Open Letter.

Meeting you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s been a beautiful journey with you, ever since the day we met. My love for you has gotten stronger with every passing day. It’s like we are one of a kind, irreplaceable. If there is love in this world, we’re unstoppable, and we can’t be defeated. The love we share is magical.

But there are a few things that always keep me up at 3 am.
I cannot help but agree with is that I am not the perfect girlfriend. I know how your ideal girlfriend should have been like. Somebody who is always and I mean always loving! She has perfectly straight hair All The Time. She can cook, sketch, work and still have enough time to spend with you every day. She can get along with all your family and friends easily. Heck, she looks beautiful even early morning when she has just gotten out of bed.

And I cannot help but realise that I am exactly opposite. I get easily jealous and annoyed at even the slightest mention of another girl. I am possessive of your every little thing. I over think on the slightest things I can come up with. My hair is the weird wavy kind and short, and my baby hair will always stand out. I’m more reserved and an introvert when it comes to social gatherings. I’m that that awkward girl who stands in the corner sipping on her drink. Early mornings are when I look my absolute worst, hair all messed up, kajal all smudged.

So, to be honest, I am not the perfect girlfriend but I can assure you this. I have and always will love you with my all. I might not look pretty enough in the morning but my smile on seeing you next to me, and my good morning wishes, will compensate. I will most probably fall asleep in your lap at the weirdest places, because no pillow has given me better sleep. I will try my best to not be that awkward girl. I’ll always be there for you through thick and thin. I’ll always put an effort into our relationship. I will always go an extra mile you, and for us. And that’s just my way of saying, I love you!

Basically, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. And yet I love you for who you are, and you will have to bear with me with all my flaws. Because these flaws make me who I am.

With all my love,
Your Imperfect Girlfriend.

Pc : Vibhu Joshi

Demons inside me.

There are demons inside me,
waiting to unleash hell on earth,
tearing the last bit of humanity left,
just wanting to express themselves.

In a Confused state I stand in,
to let, or not to let them out,
seeing the beauty of the wicked world,
turning your spirits up above.

By the grace of the fire and the
flames,
knowing I’m the master of my sea,
blood in my veins rushing through,
till it broke open and rained down.

©Ananya M Sarma

Little Things.

Enjoy the little things
in life they say,
old couples proving
forever still exists,
unconditional love
being shown,
selflessness at its peak.
bees whispering,
sweet nothing to the flowers,
birds chirping to
each other,
dew drops kissing
the flowers.
How do I enjoy
a heartbreak?
How do I enjoy
not Being me?
How do I enjoy
being hurt always?
How do I enjoy
the flashbacks
that come rushing through?
Just tell me how?
Little did they know
there’s lot more to
life than those little
moments.
Enjoy the little things
in life they say,
which sucks the
life out of you
eventually.

©Ananya M Sarma.

Lessons To Me…

Do not insult my intelligence by accusing me of over thinking.

To be deliberate and thoughtful is to be kind, to be human.

Avoid maintaining a close relationship with anyone who says you overthink things. It is not up to you to tell them that perhaps they do not think enough. That if they do not assess what is said to them and what they are conveying to another human, why bother a deep connection, the time indulgence. It is not up to you to tell them to strive for deeper relationships. But it doesn’t mean you should tolerate them in the sanctity of your private life.

The Fall That I Took

Standing on the other side of the border,

preparing myself for any kind of danger,

there I stood tall, wiping off the dust,

on my medals for bravery,

doing the thing I love the most,

protecting my country, and the people.

 

This was the fall I myself had chosen,

I chose to put myself in danger, by

protecting the young and old from nightmares,

keeping the people safe and sound,

my priorities changed when I’m on the field.

This was the fall that I took, with no regret.

 

How I wish for a world to see the souls,

and not the bodies, a place safe and,

filled with love, peace, and harmony.

You are free to choose, but you

aren’t free from the consequences of

the choices you make.

 

The thoughts inside me makes me feel heavy,

making me unable to escape the gravity,

my mind is stacking up problems that

are unnecessary, drawing me to the core.

Wondering the good ol’ days back in home,

with the people I love and care the most.

 

With that, adjusting my cap of bravery,

I walk out, into the oblivion,

not knowing what might happen next,

thinking about the safety of the country,

and for those to have a sound sleep,

after all, not every angel has wings.

 

Sincerely,
Confessions of a Soldier

Don’t Chicken Out!

There I was gawking at her,
epitome of beauty she was.
She was like a butterfly,
beautiful to watch afar
difficult to catch.

Those limpid, wet, black,
eyes that screamed for love,
perfectly crafted nose,
flawless bright – pink lips,
a milky – white complexion
that would put Photoshop to shame.

Oh hell, she was way out of my league.
She’s a goddamn goddess.
I think I’m in love.
But me? A regular mundane.
Invisible to the world,
more importantly, invisible to her.

“Don’t chicken out!”
Friend’s said.
“Go and ask her out!”
They said.
Frightened at the very thought,
I shrugged and walked away.

But I didn’t give up.
Walking towards her,
mustering up pieces of courage,
adrenaline rushing through,
pangs of nervousness,
finally asked her out.

Year’s later,
nostalgic about everything,
as the girl of my dreams,
is by my side,
till eternity lasts.

“Don’t chicken out!”
They said.

 I sure didn’t.

Realistic Journey Through The Teen’s…

Teenage is a very important phase in our life. It’s the age between childhood and adult. It’s a phase where one is stuck exactly in the middle, one extreme there is the childhood, the innocence, the playfulness, and at the other end there is the adult, the responsibilities, the seriousness. This is a very crucial age for an individual as youth have their energies at peak levels and must know the right way to channelize them.

During this phase, peer influence/pressure is common. But teen’s must learn the right from wrong and not get influenced easily by peers. It’s common in this period of transition, that the teen’s feel confused at many instances as they walk on the path of life.

Through guidance and support of elders and family, teen’s can solve any obstacles. Moreover, in this phase, teen’s tend to form a personality or tend to create an identity of their own. They have this mindset to be unique and to be different from the crowd. Because of this, teen’s would require a huge amount of emotional support from family as they venture out.

As teenager’s step into the outside world, they would get exposed to the growing up realities around them, which they must learn to face them with a positive and a calm mindset. They will know how the outside world works only by making mistakes or learning from other’s mistakes and how to act in any situation they come across.

Hence, the main key during the teenage years is, to learn through experience as they teach a lot about life. So Make mistakes, but also learn from those mistakes.

~ Ananya Sarma

A Journey Only They Could Define.

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As strangers we started off,

unaware of how much,

time changes people,

unaware of how much,

we shared laughter, joy, sadness, pain,

we thought we were

having fun, but,

little did we know,

we were creating memories.

 

As strangers, we grew

a special bond,

called friendship.

Making memories to

look back upon,

memories that will be,

cherished forever more,

memories that slowly

suffocate you until you regret.

 

Soon with faded memories,

we move on our

separate paths,

meeting new people,

and making new memories.

We drifted apart,

leading us back to

square one, and this time,

it won’t be the same.

 

Sincerely,

A Perfect Stranger

Sad Teens With Happy Faces. 

Ironic isn’t it? When sad Teens with happy faces are walking around us and the society here are believing in this perfect illusion of teens masking their true self. 

I as a teen, would just like to say this : 

Your feelings are important. Expressing them is important. No, you are not too sensitive. And no you are not making things uncomfortable. 

If someone breaks your trust, it’s okay for you to feel the pain of betrayal. If someone lies to you, it’s okay for you to feel the pain of being lied to. If someone lies about you, it’s okay for you to feel the pain of being painted in a picture that is really not you. 

What’s not okay is for you to bottle your feelings up inside because you feel ashamed of feeling them. What’s not okay is for you to allow the person who caused you pain to tell you that you have no right to feel that pain. They already caused it. You have every right to feel it. 

If we were as insensitive as the world wanted us to be, we would not be humans; we would be rocks and mountains. But we are humans and we have hearts and souls. Use your heart today. Use your soul today. Be gentle with yourself​. And allow yourself to feel your feelings. 

Sincerely, Me. 

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